I am in a child welfare class in graduate school
the room is full
Class starts at 4 pm it is dim
warm
my classmates and I are drowsy
we all could use a snack
some caffeine
Unexpectedly,
our professor puts on a film
a surprisingly graphic film
about child sexual abuse
I am fine
I am fine
I am fine
I am not fine
I am rushing out of the classroom
full fight or flight
heart thudding
hands shaking
I just make it to the ladies room
the privacy of a stall
before I vomit my lunch up in white porcelain toilet
my knees sore on the cracked
black and white checkerboard tile
I have never used the words sexual abuse
in relationship to myself before
But my body is telling me a different narrative
as I sit on the cold bathroom floor
I have had lovers who are sexual abuse survivors
I have always told myself
that what happened to me,
was not like what happened to them
That drifting on the ceiling
doing my grocery list my head
while having sex
was normal
That my constant need for control
was normal
That my inability to let anyone touch me when I am feeling vulnerable
was normal
That I cannot look at pictures of myself from certain parts of my childhood without wanting to be sick
was normal
That wanting to die for the first time when I was 12 years old
was normal
As I fight my panic in the bathroom
praying that no one else will need to use it
I am finally forced to finally admit to myself that “Hey, maybe this is not so normal”
I am surprisingly unnerved
as though I have never seen
the young woman looking back at me in the mirror
It takes me some time to regulate my heartbeat
calm my breathing
splash cold water on my face
school my expression into something that resemble
s functioning adult
before returning to class
and watching the rest of that damn film
Christine Ray writes for Brave and Reckless and is a member of Sudden Denouement. She is also curator at Blood Into Ink and barista at Go Dog Go Cafe. She is an aspiring badass.
Oh god. I can’t imagine. But once again, your words take me right there, into the horror, the puke, the dark dread of it all.
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It was important for me to make this visceral for those who have never lived through a moment like this. This happened over 20 years ago but is still etched vividly for me
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Feel this…
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It is a very vivid memory
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They never leave us.
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❤
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Thank you my dear friend
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It is terrible to be in those situations where we are triggered. Very well written, the images…
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