The air is bit heavier today.
Smiling is a cross — heavier than the last one
And I am not ready to fall.
I don’t think I have the energy to get up for another swing.
My heart is heavy today.
Great-grandmother told me God is up there somewhere
But I now know for sure, God never did anything to help me.
She just sat there, still and unmoved.
As if She had roared and the earth waited on Her next instruction
But for now, everything remains still, up there.
I scream till my lungs vibrate, my throat dries
As my voice screeches and claws its way out.
I don’t know who wants to escape more.
My voice. My soul. My mind. Or the whole of me.
But for now, let me try to be visible, be a body, be worthy being noticed.
Time doesn’t exist. Seconds become ions and nothing ends.
I wait under the shower, waiting to disappear with the water.
To embraced the drain, to be welcomed with open arms and feel not like a prisoner.
I want the water to notice me, for my past lover to remember it’s not his fault
That I confuse him for the monsters in my dreams sometimes.
I wonder if God flinched when they came for me.
She could have warned me in time with parables and prophecies.
I paid my dues in church, gave all I have to everyone up there
But still that wasn’t enough. Is there anyone even listening up there?
To my cries, to the imprints I try to scrub off everyday.
Is anyone watching up there? How I jump from stanza to the stanza?
Because getting myself to jump off rooftops is a task I haven’t gotten up to yet.
Does God notice when I drown in liquids till my vision becomes blurry
Because that’s when the red flags become invisible and the monsters go to sleep.
Only then can I crawl into bed with past lovers and not have my body be an every-day apology.
© One Pamela Pusumane
Bio: One Pamela Pusumane is a young creative writer an poet from Botswana who is passionate about writing pieces that push the boundaries and get people talking about the things we tend to shy away from in our daily lives. She is currently pursuing her BA(Hon) Social Sciences undergraduate degree at the African Leadership University in Mauritius. You can also find her work on Instagram, Facebook, and Hello Poetry.